Hide the Banana Cake

It's coming....

2010-11-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

Can you detect the distant scent of balsam? Hear those jingle bells on the fat man's suit as he wedges himself down the chimney? I am a cookie baking, ugly sweater wearing, gift wrapping Christmas junkie. As soon as Thanksgiving is over, I am marching right over to CB2 for these babies...

Why are obese animals so wonderful?! Git on my tree, fatties!

Anthropologie's Awkward Phase

2010-10-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Anthropologie, you need a sassy gay friend. What, what, what are you doing?!

Normally the source of constant longing and hours of dream shopping, my beloved Anthropologie has taken a swift nose dive in to the realm of FUGLY. I skipped to my computer, ready to be dazzled by their latest wares, only to be slapped in the face by a stream of nasty that I could not have imagined.

Normally, I can't decide which dress I want to waste about $200 on more. See a previous post for an idea of what I mean. Today, I present a different collection - a collection of poor choices:

Firewarmed Shift - $118
Just a boring red sack of a dress. The least of my issues though. Keep scrolling.

Hiawatha Dress - $348
Must we continue to insult the Native Americans?

First Whisperings Dress - $168
This belongs on some lady in a hippie cult commune. And it should cost $19.95 at Target. And she should have bought it on sale for $8.95 because no one else would.

Paisley Pixie Dress - $198
Art Nouveau MuuMuu, anyone?

Spectre Dreams Dress - $248
Where do I even begin? The best thing about this dress is that it would make a killer Betty Davis in "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane" costume.

History Repeating Shirtdress - $428
Whose history? Why are we repeating it?!

I am hoping this is a rebellious phase and my dear, sweet Anthro will be the darling girl I know she is inside once more. Only time will tell, but I don't think I will be spending my imaginary money there any time soon.

Goodbye, David the Gnome

2010-10-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

Sadness. Tom Bosley died today. I know most remember him as the Dad on Happy Days, but I have fond memories of summer vacation with my sister, bouncing on the couch and eating microwaved popcorn while we watched David the Gnome, Maya the Bee, Eureka's Castle and some cartoon about Koala bears that I can't remember the name of.

I still know the entire theme song to David the Gnome:

I hope you found the Kingdom of the Gnomes, Tom.

Leviticus for the Restofus

2010-10-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

My Facebook status today, after reading a New York Times Article:

"It says in Leviticus that a man lying with another man is an abomination (Leviticus 18:22). It also says that I need to sacrifice two doves when I get my period (Leviticus 15:30), and that you must shun a person from society if they like their steak rare (Leviticus 17:13). We can't pick and choose, Paladino..."

The dialogue that followed has been interesting, and I must say, Leviticus is pretty interesting. Here are some more tidbits of wisdom:

Lev. 19:19: "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material" which to me means that Forever 21 is an abomination, which is interesting if you have ever seen the "John 3:16" on the bottom of their shopping bags.

Lev. 11:12 and 11:22: Don't eat shelfish, but thankfully you can eat locusts and grasshoppers.

One or Both or All but actually NONE

2010-10-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

There are so many, many things I want to go buy right now. Where is my clothing patron?? I wonder what's involved in acquiring an Anthropologie franchise...

Alas, you can't get money from a pauper stone. Le sigh...

Wifed

2010-09-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

So we did it, I am officially a wife now.

People who haven't seen me in a while keep asking me "does it feel any different?" It's moments like that where I remember how I loath small talk. It's not that they don't mean well, they just don't know what to say now that the excitement of engagement is over, and I am not yet knocked up.

Oh dear, oh dear, whatever shall we talk about until then?

I don't blame people for asking, really. I just don't know what they want to hear. The fact is, no, it's not different. A lot of married couples we talked to before the day o' matrimony told us that they couldn't explain it, but they did feel different somehow...but we don't, not really. We didn't take some magic potion, and now we are better or worse. We became incorporated.

Does that mean we did it wrong? DOES THAT MEAN WE HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN??!!

The wedding was awesome. Super awesome. The best party I have ever been to. Highlights included a ghetto-make-shift photo booth that everyone loved (thanks to years of shows, I had a ton of props), the best food anyone will ever eat at a wedding thanks to the Starry Night Cafe, and a ring bear. That's right, a bear.

You can see his work here.

But I don't want to do it again, thanks. It consumed my life and everything I thought of for a good year, and that's enough. I feel free now when I reach for the TV remote, and I no longer feel compelled to watch every crappy Oxygen/WEtv bride show, or look at bridal magazines and marvel at how ugly the dresses are.

Hopefully, I will have more time to write here now too.

Introducing Betty Crockhead

2010-07-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I started a new blog last month: Betty Crockhead.

Today's post was about this:

Future posts will be about this:

and this:

Yummm....

Kids are not just young goats

2010-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Yeondoo Jung recreating childrens drawings from www.designboom.com:

My good friend gave birth to a little baby boy last night, I can't wait to meet him and one day draw pictures with the little guy. Once he can hold a crayon anyway...

Congrats to the new family!

Sloooow Dooown

2010-07-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

It's a cool 80 degrees right now, so it looks like we are in for a little relief.

If you are on the east coast, you know this: it's been bloody hot out. Too hot to think, let alone write. I'm currently sitting at home praying to the thunder gods for a midday storm.

We have made the most of it. July 4 was great - old friends, hot dogs, and cold grass to lie on while we watched the fireworks. We have been seeking air conditioning any way we can: movies, restaurants, malls. Every time I passed a Duane Reade, I would pop in for a fix.

In between the fun times, we had to go get some vaccinations...2 shots and almost $300 in pills later, and I am ready to go to South East Asia. I better get exposed to all kinds of diseases while I am there. And not get them, of course.

This month is becoming another busy one. We have shows to go to, parties, friends to reconnect with, and a wedding in exactly one month. Still, I am getting antsy for my next creative endeavor. Or, just antsy in general. My brain won't get off the treadmill, and it's making me evaluate everything - work, theater, my living situation, etc.

In the heat of the week, I found myself still running around from place to place, sweating more then those around me because I can't slow down. I would catch myself speed walking down a block in 100+ degree temperatures, and try to imagine walking through vats of glue, and repeating "slooow dooown" in my head. When I walk through Wholefoods, I have been intentionally walking slower so that the people rushing around nearly run in to me, and perhaps they will think "oh, maybe I don't need to race to buy my organic quinoa pasta - this girl clearly has it all figured out."

Then, walking casually one evening, I stepped off of a curb and sprained my foot, like a fool. I was really forced to slow down. There was no reason for me to injure myself whatsoever. It's been TERRIBLE. I went completely stir crazy. I was sitting there icing my foot on my hot couch thinking "I don't deserve a break, this is not a sports injury. I didn't do anything worth getting hurt. People are going to ask 'oh no, what did you do?' and I will say 'not a damned thing - I tried to be a functioning member of society and cross the street.' 'Oh....'"

I guess I don't really have a point except the fact that I am annoying to shop with in a grocery store, and I get anxious if I am not distracted. Thanks for taking this journey with me if you are still reading. My foot is getting better, thanks, and I promise I will be more careful and walk slowly so as not to disrupt the delicate balance that is me trying to stay upright.

40 Shades of Green Dresses and Multiple Suits

2010-06-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's 6 weeks to the wedding, and officially all my bridesmaids will be wearing clothes:

Upper left is from J. Crew, all the rest are Anthropologie finds.

We bought the boy two suits yesterday, and it turns out that Men's Warehouse actually tailors lady clothes, so I just might be stopping by there with the ol' wedding dress for some alterations. It was fun shopping for suits. All the men cared about my thoughts on their clothes since I was the only girl in the dressing room, and I learned all kinds of interesting facts.

For example, did you know that gentlemen who like suspenders can have special suspender buttons sewn into their pants? No tacky clips at Men's Warehouse. Also, they leave one thread in the shoulder of fancy, expensive suits so that you know you are the first to own it when you remove it. Classy.

The to do list seems to be dwindling, which is great but also scary because I can't help but think I am forgetting an important detail...we shall see...

I am not here

2010-06-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am a planner. When I know I am moving, I usually start packing 3 months out. When I am going on vacation, I buy at least 3 guide books, and put together an itinerary for each day. Sometimes I buy guidebooks before I even buy tickets to go somewhere, and then I don't end up going on the trip.

If any one needs a guide book for Peru or Ecuador, let me know...

I am getting married in 7 weeks. This seems awfully soon to me. The container store had a travel accessory discount recently, so of course I had to make a few purchases for the honeymoon...shampoo bottles, his and her toiletry cases, etc. I also bought luggage tags and I was just about to put my name on one of them when I realized that my name as it is right now will only be as it is right now for now (say that 3 times fast...). In 7 weeks, or after the honeymoon, I will have a new name. So I put the boy's name on the tags, and put them away.

I never liked the idea of a woman taking on her husband's name. Unless the name is something like "Danger" or "Awesome." The idea of me being property that was changing camps has always struck me as being a little weird. That bothered me, and the fact that my sister and I are the last in our family with our last name, so if she changes her name, the line has been extinguished. I am not getting rid of my last name, but rather, I am adding my fiance's name to mine. I never thought I would make any change to my name, but my idea of the whole concept has shifted. I sort of like the idea of reinvention, or a fresh start.

Meanwhile, I don't know if I have ever felt so transitional before. This person I have been and this name I am attached to will not exist in about 2 months, and it freaked me right out when I was looking at those luggage tags. Now I feel like I am in limbo playing the waiting game. I started practicing writing my soon-to-be name in script, and it's totally strange. I am going to have to figure out what swirls go where and how to make it mine, something I haven't played with since 5th grade or so.

I think I will keep my maiden name as my stage name though. Gotta represent the old line somehow. Oh, and all the children will have my maiden name as there first name. It's only fair.

For someday, I shall be a real house wife.

2010-06-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

I don't...I just...I can't help it.

I am addicted to the The Real Housewives of New York.

It's completely sick, but I just can't stop watching it. It's gotten to the point that I am actually enjoying singing along when "Money Can't Buy You Class" comes on. I sing it a quarter off pitch alla Luann, and it sound perfect. I even met Bethany, and I was kind of star struck...which is especially sick since I have met my fair share of legit celebs around NYC. But, she was so cute, pregnant and funny!

In our house, when ever the PS3 is on, it's like my fiance is on another planet where he can't hear a word I am saying. Sometimes he just ignores me, usually he literally can't hear me. The last two weeks we have had cable, and it's been my turn to live on another planet - a planet of bitchy one liners and heightened emotions.

I am not proud, but I am not going to stop watching either. It's been a good indicator of the strength of my relationship too - he watches the housewives with me, and I suffer through the gun blasts of Modern Warefare 2 for an hour after.

I think that's love...

I have to admit, it's getting better...

2010-05-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

I have not been here in a while, because the sky fell in my bedroom.

We have had leaks in the ol' homestead for about a year and a half, but nothing compared to this most recent leak which took place over the course of at least 8 hours, and ended in our ceiling falling down the next morning. That same night, we had no hot water to wash the dirty water off of us, and no clean bed to sleep on, having discovered some mouse droppings in our sofa bed.

What's funny is, we didn't think it was that big of a deal at first. We were like, hey, at least some of the ceiling is still in tact, the mouse crap never touched the mattress, and the hot water will surely come back on, eventually...

Luckily, we had some very wise advice from some uncompromising and supportive co-workers of the boy. Less advice, really, and more "uh, you wanna come home after your honeymoon to no ceiling, and rodents swimming in the pool in your bedroom?"

We are moving! Thanks be to the all-mighty. It's been a little hard to start packing, what with guests in town, a show for my dad, school, work, and a wedding shower. There have been moments pretty much everyday where I have just wanted to go hide in a corner and hope that someone else takes care of everything for me.

Going through the pictures from the shower though, I can't help but smile and know that I am being ridiculous. How can things feel bad with such an amazing group of friends? I feel completely l-o-v-e-d. It's a really nice feeling. Check out my super cool mom:

Life is good.

DIY Bride 2010 Submission

2010-05-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

They are giving away an iPad over at DIY Bride, and I suuuuure could use it! The challenge was to put together an "Inspiration Board" with a dress, shoes, headpiece and jewelry all for under $500. This was my submission (I had to submit twice because I am math-challenged and went over budget by $17 with some lovely bangles).

Submission:

Minus the bangles:

Not bad for $517 if I say so myself...

Dress: Suzi Chin Maggy Boutique Pleat Detail Eyelet Dress from Nordstrom, $118

Wrap: Regal Yellow Dupioni Raw Silk Wrap by Bonzie, $79

Veil: Turquoise Russian Bird Cage Veil by WeddingAisle, $44

Shoes: RSVP Jaceline in Teal from Zappos, $88

Necklace: 24K Gold Vermeil Bee Charm Necklace by Jayval, $40

Earrings:Yellow Rosebud Earrings by Larque $11

Clutch: Luxury clutch purse, embroidered peacock feathers in blue/green silk by Red Ruby Rose, $95

Bangles: Flower Bangles by Shlomit Ofir, $42

Background Photo: by By Brancoprata for Dog n’ Bird

Do yourself a favor...

2010-04-28T08:21:00.001-07:00

...and google image search "angora rabbit."

You're welcome!

A love song for Friday

2010-04-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

Since I am knee deep in projects of a nuptial nature, I have taken a break from all things theater and performance until it's all over. While I am waiting for strings to arrive for an inherited long-neck banjo (happy happy!) I have been listening to a lot of music and tooling around on my guitar.

I have been "playing" off and on for about 11 years, and I still pretty much suck. This is especially stupid, because my dad is a professional. So, I've been playing a little here and there, looking for simple songs I can practice and it's been a nice distraction. Here is one of the songs I am currently obsessed with, I was Meant for the Stage written by Colin Meloy, I think, and performed by The Decemberists.

The song is simple, but brilliant. A true love song for performers that touches on all kinds of stuff that goes on in our heads. This is the only non-live video version I could find, so hopefully folks also enjoy looking at this guy's concert tickets. I don't like the live versions since there is a little too much audience participation for my taste. I know, I'm a snob.

They say that when you perform, if you can take "you" out of the art and surrender whatever it is you do to someone or something else outside of yourself, you are truly free to create without the pressure of judgment - since it's not entirely your fault if you succeed or fail. You are the vessel for something else, whether it's god, or inspiration, or just the creative process. I love how liberating this idea is. I also love the idea of the stage as church. I think many little actors would agree that it can come close to being a religion, for better or worse. And the idea that you have to believe in your own destiny and divine right to the stardom is spot on. Even if it's delusional, who's going to believe if you don't? And I don't care how humble the actor is, every one of us has believed at some point that they were the best, and that their success was written in stone. That's why when we do succeed it's addicting, and when we fail, it's epic.

The heavens at my birth
Intended me for stardom,
Rays of light shone down on me
And all my sins were pardoned.

Love love love.

Save the earth, but not closet space.

2010-04-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

Earth Day, I love ya, but I don't need any more free tote bags.

Wedding Mode

2010-04-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

If you read this, you probably know I am getting married, because you probably know me outside of the blog world.

The word "fiance" always made me gag a little (I still can't say it with a straight face), and the idea of everyone looking at me and saying things like "the beautiful bride" make me super uncomfortable. I was never the girl that dreamed about her wedding. I had no idea what my dress would look like or what flowers I would have. I really don't like people inspecting and starring at me, and that's kind of what happens when you wear that big ol' virginal dress.

I do love to host a party. I have an inner Martha Stewart just begging to get out. I look at wedding blogs a lot now, what Offbeat Bride affectionately refers to as "wedding porn." It's a dangerous habit though, especially for someone as clueless as I was/am as to what I want this day to be, who in turn is obsessed with little details and "good things." Had I always dreamed of a princess dress and a color scheme, I might have had it easier.

Maybe not...

So these past few months, I have been scouring the interwebs for ideas and inspiration. At first, I got carried away with all the minute details that all screamed, well, "me!" and I figured I would have to feature them all at the wedding to show what kind of bride* I am. It's very easy to get carried away with all the cute stuff out there. Sadly, those details can add up to a larger and important detail: debt.

I figured, OK, I want to be semi-original and "different," but also within my means, so I guess I should make everything on my own. Here is an example:

The ink on my hand-stamped thank you cards is still drying, and all I can think of is how many other details I still have to put together DIY style. Flowers, escort cards, favors, decorations, etc. It's a little daunting. A friend wrote to me today and suggested I remember the key to lessening the stress...delegation. I am having a bit of trouble letting go though. I know that my friends are all very capable and more than willing, but it's hard to allow myself to take myself out of the process and let others help. Let's face it, the saying "if you want something done right then do it yourself" feels true sometimes, especially if it's your what-was-supposed-to-be-simple wedding. And people, weddings are very rarely simple. This one would be considered simple by most, and it's still a whole heck of a lot more than we bargained for.

The truth is, I enjoy these little projects. It's giving myself enough time to make them happen that stresses me out, and the thought that I am forgetting something important. If we had it to do all over again, we would have just done the deed in some foreign land on our own, and come home and partied after, with all the people we want to celebrate with, but could not afford to invite. That specific detail is a little heartbreaking. But, we are in it to win it now, and I am happy to know that if I need a helping hand, there are more than a few hands to chose from. I have to remind myself every day that it is just a day, and the goal is marriage. Everything else is secondary.

I also keep in mind that I am going to Bali after the wedding. That helps A LOT.

*Cringe. Another word that makes my stomach jump. I got bitched out by a JCrew rep for rolling my eyes when he called me "The Bride." Needless to say, I got my fancy dress elsewhere.

Sprung

2010-04-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

The most genius idea I have had in all of 2010 was to buy a membership to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Now with an unlimited pass for 1 year, I can cut through the gardens to take a more convenient train (in terms of where it drops me off), get a little exercise, and waltz through the grounds like it's my backyard.

In case you haven't already read the dozens of eblasts that have gone out marketing the event, Hanami is in full swing at the gardens. Because everyone seems glued to Time Out NY, it can be very crowded in my backyard this time of year. But not on a Tuesday, and 3 in the afternoon. Ah, the joys of working from home and a membership card:

Not this little girl's dream

2010-04-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

The big 3-0 was coming up for my man, so this past Sunday we celebrated (rather than my traditional listening to Jesus Christ: Superstar on Easter). I asked him what he wanted to do, and this was the list:

- Go horseback riding
- Sleep for 1-2 hours in Prospect Park
- Go to Moonshine in Red Hook for a bucket of PBR and BYO meat
- See Alice in Slasherland

We did all but the nap, and it was great. We met with some friends at Kensington Stables in Brooklyn, and mounted some steeds. The birthday boy got a nice little mare named Stardust, and I got the mightiest of steeds, a Clydesdale named Tinkerbell. This is what they look like for those who are unfamiliar with Clydesdales aka Budweiser horses, as we refer to them:

A big effing horse.

So I get on Tinkerbell with much effort, and before they can fix the stirrups so I can steady myself, the horse starts walking around, into the street. With moving cars. Awesome. The guide runs over and says "oh she's a little fidgety." Oh, good! I would like to get off now. Instead, I stay on as all the horses start moving towards a traffic circle, on the way to the trails in the park.

A dude walks over and tries to get my feet in the stirrups as we are cutting off cars on a busy intersection in Brooklyn, but eventually succeeds, wedging my foot in such a way that I twist my ankle and mess up my knee. He adjusts my foot when I mention the problem, but it doesn't really help. So, we continue to the Park. And no one has told me how to ride this thing yet. I yell out to the guy and let him know, he gives me the run down, or some of it as I found out later, and we're off.

All in all, I am glad I went, but I won't be volunteering again. Horses are big, and can kick. They are also living things with their own minds, and they don't really have to do what you say. Tink started trotting during our ride, much to my surprise, and when I pulled back on the reigns, it took her a while to agree to stop. No thanks. I spent most of our time together trying to seem calm and in charge so she would do what I wanted her to, and also waiting for it to end.

Did I mention I am allergic to horses? More than any other animal actually. They used to make my face swell shut when I was a kid. Perhaps not the wisest choice for me...

We got to Moonshine and Alice in Slasherland, and they were both awesome. All told, a great weekend, but I am still bruised and walking around like John Wayne.

from inventorspot.com

A few bits about the last week

2010-03-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

Bad blogger, bad. I have opened up my blog to write multiple times this week, and have gotten distracted every time. So now I am hunkering down. As I hunker, I am reminded of a few things from the week:

Saw Time Stands Still with Laura Linney last night, which was great. She really does have that thing where you can't take your eyes off of her when on stage, that thing that makes me question if I too could have that thing. The whole cast was great really, and it was inspiring to see a show done well.

I have been reading about puppets and the history of puppetry. I have decided I want to be an anthropologist who's specialty is pupperty arts. So, good luck to me on THAT.

Dealing with wedding crap, as usual. Dress, shoes and rings are all bought, a huge relief. My ring is a snake...what? It's pretty awesome, only mildly badass and actually very classy. The boy and I have to schedule meetings to talk about the rest of the details. Yes, meetings. New Yorkers are very busy, especially us it seems.

Lastly, I have had a few blue moments the last couple of weeks, which I think is because I need a vacation. While I wait the remaining months for a trip to Bali, I transport myself to a state of happiness by watching this amazing youtube creation. Please enjoy Staticy Cat vs. Balloon:

HA

What I did for what I think I love?

2010-03-16T15:10:00.001-07:00

It seems that the only thing I am writing about these days is Auditioning. I guess that's because you need something to do while you are waiting to be judged.

City of Angels did not come through unfortunately. I sang well, but alas, it takes a while for my body to recognize choreography. It's tough coming in that close, but it was a learning experience, and I hope to see the show anyway, it seems like it will be pretty good.

Right now in a holding room for another show, and I already have a bad feeling. No monitor, no sign up sheet, no nothing. We are all just sitting in here like assholes. I think this is why they have unions.

I think this will be it for me for a while with auditions. I need to re-evaluate what it means to be an artist, and if this qualifies. I used to hate the word artist the way some women shy from being called a feminist.

I think both labels get too much bad press.

Yep, it's coming folks...

2010-03-11T09:57:00.001-08:00

Happy Thursday!

Auditioning continued...

2010-03-07T12:10:00.001-08:00

And the plot thickens! I am now at my callback for the alto in City of Angels. Everyone seems to know everyone else, except just a few of us, and for some reason we are all avoiding eye contact. I must say, it would be pretty cool to be in this show. The idea of someone producing me instead of me producing myself is almost too good to be true.

Auditioning

2010-03-04T16:16:00.001-08:00

I decided that I would try to fit in all the auditions I could for Spring, since I am getting married this Summer. Right now I am at an audition for a Gallery Players production of City of Angels. I figured, a night audition, in Brooklyn, for a non-paying job, it'll be empty, right? Well, sort of. It's no 400 person cattle call, but there's at least 50 of us, and it's day two of the audition.

It's really crazy how nervous I still get. My body is doing all kinds of mean things that made me consider just going home, but my sister convinced me to stay, saying "if you are going to have an accident, you can poop on the other auditioners!" At least they would remember me.

I get nervous, but its always the same crap at these things. There is always one crazy person (this time it's a lady talking about her gall stones), name droppers (oh, do you know the blah dee blah theatre in bumbleeff Ohio? I just love that little theatre! I worked with so and so there, you don't know so and so? Oh, he's very big in Ohio) the newbies fresh off the AMDA boat, and we are all wearing the same red lipstick.

Ugh. I hope I'm not completely wasting my time.

The Brooklyn Museum is Awesome

2010-03-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

Proof: Life-size Plastic Indian. Red Indian # 4 (Spearman) by Yoram Wolberger

I have lived where I live for almost 2 years, and all that time I have walked by the Brooklyn Museum many times, but I have never entered. I even had a friend that lived across the street in High School, something like 14 years ago (well, that's weird...) and still, I never went. I thought about it, but, meh. There are so many museums in NYC...

So a friend of mine came over on Sunday, and the plan was to test my new membership card to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens (a Valentine's day gift for me and the boy). Unfortunately, the gardens were closed due to snow removal (snow spurns me once again!), but she suggested going to The Brooklyn Museum, which is right next door, duh.

We decided to wing it while there, and just wander around. As much as I love a good museum, it's easy to get overwhelmed when you try to give every single thing there the attention that is due to it. We stuck to the special exhibit - To Live Forever, which was basically a small version of The Metropolitan's Egyptian art wing, though still interesting, and the 4th & 5th floors.

One of the things I was most impressed with was the Visible Storage exhibit. I love it when museums make an effort to provide unique accessibility to patrons. This is a fantastic example of a smart thing to do that makes the museum-goer feel like they are being let in on something special.

Basically, they can't display all the items they have acquired, but it's all in climate-controlled storage, viewable through glass, and there is a huge database available so you can get information on anything you see. You push open doors that you don't feel like you should be able to, and it feels sneaky and very employees-only, but it's totally allowed, and awesome. You could spend hours in there alone.

They also have an entire 1600's house installed on the fourth floor call the Schenck House,which is just cool. Recreated rooms, original furniture, etc. A great idea for an outing with kids, or two girls who got snowed out of the Botanical Gardens.

What shocked me the most was the lack of people in the museum. It was more or less empty on a Sunday afternoon. I will be returning very soon.

New phone on a snow day

2010-02-26T11:22:00.001-08:00

The bad news is that its a freaking winter wonderland out there. The good news is that I can now blog from my super fancy phone! (Good news? Overly self-indulgent news? Anyone out there even reading this thing?) Pic is from my phone, an example of my stunning view from my kitchen. Sometimes, even I am jealous of me .

At least my phone works now.

Technology, Ho!

sNOw

2010-02-22T21:25:00.000-08:00

Photo From http://mysberg.net/

I admit there is an element of delight in watching snow fall over the city, allowing you to forget what is underneath the white sheath. Those first 10 minutes after snowfall are beautiful and magical. One can achieve the same magical feeling after a strong dirty kettle martini.

At minute 11, it turns gray, or yellow, or brown, as we all know, and it becomes progressively less cute until it finally melts away. When fellow New Yorkers get all teary eyed over the wonder of frozen rain, I am always reminded that snow has 2 basic and unfortunate qualities:

1. Snow is wet.
2. Snow is cold.

I don't like snow. I used to say that I hate snow, but there is one thing about snow that is awesome: enough of it, and you get a snow day, and there are blessedly few people on the street. However, the people who do go out on the street don't often have much experience walking in it, and my walk to the subway resembles a game of Frogger, if I were the frog, and the cars were all old ladies.

The only other awesome thing about snow is Hot Chocolate.

New York City was just not built for snow. I spent a considerable amount of time in Northern Vermont, and those people can handle snow. In New York, we freak right out when we hear it's coming, everything starts shutting down, and nothing works properly (streets, subways, brains, etc).

I guess we have been pretty lucky these last few months of Winter, the blizzard earlier this month aside. But man, do I dislike wet, cold feet and soggy bottomed jeans. My last look at weather.com indicated that it will not be snowing this evening, and I am rejoicing for rain.

Squashes

2010-02-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

Enjoying my evenings free, and participating in a moderate detox (not the cayan pepper & maple syrup variety, I am actually eating food) I have had opportunity and need to cook for myself a lot recently. For a few days it was oatmeal, salad, my famous vegetarian chili (actually Joy of Cooking's famous...ssshh) steamed veggies and brown rice, nothing on it. It was OK for about 2 days, and then I started to hate my life. I needed variety. I needed a new starch.

The boy and I picked up a butternut squash a while back, and I was very skeptical. I am not a big fan of sweet things that shouldn't be sweet (sweet corn, peas, carrots - blech) unless you dress them up so's I can't tell (all of the above in a stew of some sort so the corn tastes like salty beef. Mmmm!) and I especially hated squash due to what must have been a traumatizing experience in my youth, not that I can remember. The only exception was pumpkin...in muffin, pie or pancake form.

So yeah, we get this squash, cut it up, oil it up, salt, pepper, and cumin it up and holy crap, do I ever love roasted butternut squash.

So, what other squashes can I injest??!!

Today, we went to the store and picked out a spaghetti squash, which has always TERRIFIED me, and did not sound appealing, even a little. I know what pasta is supposed to taste like, mister, and it ain't squash. Still, I was broadening my horizens, and so, here is what I did:

Colleen's Spaghetti Squash Masterpiece:

For the Squash:
1 Spaghetti Squash (don't be afraid! It's easy!), ends cut off, halved lengthwise, and seeded.
1 carton of grape tomatoes
3 cups of raw baby spinach, or adult spinach if ya like
1 Medium onion, diced
3 gloves of Garlic, minced
Salt
Olive Oil

For the Mushrooms: (modified from the Veganomicon)
3 cloves garlic, minced (I like garlic...you can use less, if you're weak. Use real, whole garlic, not that junk in a jar)
1 Tablespoons Olive Oil
1/2 Cup of Guinness
2 Tablespoons of Balsamic Vinager
2 Tablespoons of Bragg Liquid Amino's (or just use soy sauce)

1. Preheat that oven to 350. While it's heating, line a baking sheet with foil and lightly grease with olive oil. Place the squash on the oiled sheet, cut-side-down, and bake for 30-35 min, or until you can insert a knife with just a bit of resistance.

2. Combine all ingredients for mushrooms in a pie or cake dish. Anything wider, and the marinade will spread to thin. Place caps tops-down in the dish, and scoop marinade into caps, forming a pool in each. Let sit for 15-20 minutes.

3. Meanwhile, Warm about a tablespoon of olive oil in a skillet. Cook onions and garlic until translucent. Add spinach and allow to cook down a bit. Add whole cherry tomatoes. Cook until their skins begin to prune and break. Salt if desired (you will be putting that marinade on everything and the end, so don't oversalt because soy sauce will be involved. Just add enough to bring out the flavor in the tomatoes).

4. If it's been about 15-20 minutes, put the mushrooms in the oven for 30 minutes. When the squash is done, which should be before the mushrooms, remove from oven and set aside. Increase heat to 400 for the remaining time on the mushrooms. After the mushrooms have been in for 30 minutes, rotate with tongs and spoon some marinade over them. Let cook another 10 minutes.

5. When squash is cool enough to handle, use a fork to separate the stringy flesh, and scoop out into a bowl. Fold in the tomato, spinach mixture. Spoon on to plates.

6. When mushrooms are done, cut them up into bite sized pieces, and place on top of the squash (or leave whole - I liked to mix the whole thing up so bit sized worked best for me). Pour some marinade over each serving. EAT.

I ended up having to make a second serving of mushrooms to accommodate all of the squash...a nice problem to have. I took a pic midway through devouring my dinner, so it looks a little less than artistic, but trust, it was amazing.

Don't eat it expecting real spaghetti, it reminds me more of crunchy glass noodles. But man, it was delightful. Add Parmesan if you are not detoxing. Is 1/2 a cup of Guinness allowed on a detox, you ask? Just don't finish the bottle. It'll be fine.

PS...I also purchased an acorn squash...more on that later...

Hello, Meat Pie!

2010-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

I always avoid the East Village for very good reasons, the biggest reason being drunken NYU students. But I found myself working on a project on St. Mark's Place, and looking for a place to grab a quick bite. I forgot about all the cheap and amazing food in that area! Just on my block, there was the old standby, Dumbling Man, a wonderful looking Creperie, and the always delicious, and terrible for you, Crif Dogs (bacon-wrapped hot dog, anyone? Yes please).

Also on the block was Tuck Shop, a place I had heard of, given my love of all things meet and pastry. I stopped in to give it a try, and clearly I was impressed since I am devoting a post to the place. Below are some images from potpieblog.com. And, hello, a blog devoted to pot pies? Genius. Looks like they had the Veg Chili Pie. I had the beef, and pork sage roll, and embarrassingly, later that day I had the steak and mushroom...which was unbelievable, and my personal favorite. I heard good things about the lamb too.

In case you haven't caught on, my vegan days are numbered.

Now I'm hungry.

Perry Bible Fellowship Finds

2010-02-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Reads: Lochlan's dear gold fish went missing that noon The Duchess was Summoned to search the lagoon.

Click any image above to see a larger image of the comic.

A bit about the last few days

2010-02-16T13:37:00.000-08:00

12 days since my last post! Whatta slacker. Well, not entirely. Here is some of what I have been up to:

The show was a complete success. I was so happy to work with my dad on the project, and give him the spotlight that he deserves. We even had people come in who saw one of the free listings that we posted! How crazy is that? I guess it shows that it always pays to advertise. Especially for free, and especially in Time Out New York.

Then we had Valentine's day, the first one in recent memory where the boy and I actually celebrated the holiday. It was wonderful. We went and saw a movie, a very rare treat with schedules/budgets like ours. Meanwhile, we saw Wolfman. A semi-unfortunate choice, but we thought it would be funny. The movie was followed by dinner here:

Chez Napoleon is a special place. It's French Cooking: Granny Style. The food was perfect. We had wine, Whole Artichoke with the house vinaigrette (a completely addictive, creamy dream that reminds you why food is so wonderful...I didn't even ask what was in it, I knew they weren't giving the secret away), Baked Mussels (I nearly died they were so good), Fennel Salad, Beef Bourguignon, Rack of Lamb, Chocolate Mousse and Peche Melba. So, we ate a few things. To top it off, a complimentary glass of Champagne, and thanks to a very generous gift certificate from my future brother-in-law, it was all ours for about $60.00. As our waitress said: "Ooo, very lucky!" Yes, Madame.

Of course there have been other events in the last few days, but one really worth sharing is this video the boy found via stumbleupon.com. Italians singing gibberish because it sound like English. And it sort of does sound like you should be able to understand it. I dare you not to try and sing along...I have been trying all weekend.

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

This too shall pass

2010-02-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Never before have I been so interested in joining a marching band!

CAW!

2010-02-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

And for a mere $3,300.00, this parrot bird bed could be all mine? Hazzah!

Why does Anthropologie torture me everyday? I am not sure when exactly my home styling aesthetic shifted to avian, and specifically, Caribbean-hotel-lobby avian decor, but somehow the good people at Anthropologie picked up on this new character flaw of mine, and they continue to run with it. It all began with a little chair that they have been selling for what feels like a year, and I am still no closer to owning:

And for $1,000.00, a true bargain. I wouldn't be so hard on myself if my tastes weren't so ridiculous. If I was a big fan of Chesterfield sofas, and all I wanted was this one dijon sofa made with the softest, most buttery leather you have ever sat on for $6000, then I could at least forgive myself for pining over something of true quality and class. (Even my idea of class involves bright crayon-like colors).

But no. I have a "parrot thing." I want my apartment to smell ever so slightly of Barbados Rum and sun tan lotion, and I want people to walk in and sing sea shanty's as they are overwhelmed by the coconut shells on the floor and hammocks hanging from my leaking ceiling. I want to create a Pirates of the Caribbean theme park of my humble 1-bedroom, with my non-existent millions of dollars. I want to be a tacky Molly Brown on a steam ship full of Kate Wineslets.

Clearly I can not be trusted with $3,300. Good thing I intend on staying poor and keep my dignity. Wah wah.

Guess where I'm going...

2010-02-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing people rave about this book for a long time now, and I decided to buy a copy. Now half-way through India, I am really enjoying it. I love how honest and forthcoming Elizabeth Gilbert is with her brand of crazy, and the best thing I can say about it is that if you too suffer from crazy, which I do, and I know you do, you will be able to relate and then realize that you are not so crazy. This is pretty important if you think your low moods are special and your own - how wonderful to have company! And, how helpful to see someone working through it. I read it on the train in the morning and it helps me not hate the people riding with me - and that is some serious skill.

I also want to mention the book because it brings up another country that I will soon be visiting! After India comes Indonesia, specifically Bali. I don't know yet what the author will have to say about Bali, but here are some things I would like to point out:

I think I will like it in Bali. If anything gets me down between now and August, I can only go so far knowing that that monkey is waiting for me.

Nuts to You, A farewell

2010-01-29T09:01:00.001-08:00

From The Downtown Express

Today is a strange and sad day for Tribeca. A.L. Bazzini Company has been operating out of Tribeca for, well, basically forever. It was once simply a nut factory (something like 100 years ago), then they opened a retail store, and it became a mini Dean & Deluca in more recent years. It was part of what made Tribeca a desirable place to live, and because of the current mallification flux below Chambers Street, and due to a shitty economy, Bazzini was eaten alive.

I want the new/newish folks in the neighborhood to remember why they chose to live in Tribeca in the first place. For some, I know it's just the nearness of celebrities and the status of living in the zip code. I think most liked the neighborhood qualities that abound in Tribeca - the quiet, the small local shops, the open space, parks and good schools. All of these things are changing rapidly with new high-rises and tons of new people moving in - but do any of you really want to live in a mini-mall?

It is possible that Bazzini no longer met the needs of the neighborhood, but, I would urge residents to please start supporting (or keep supporting!) local businesses - they are what made the area cute in the first place, and no Barnes & Noble or Wholefoods Market will ever be as good. We have already lost so many too.

I went to Bazzini on it's closing day, and it was as it should be, full of kids coaxing ice cream out of their parents, people interruption each other with stories from the neighborhood, moms gossiping, and employees doing their best to keep up with the demand. This is the place I grew up with and how I will always remember it. Those who never went will never know what they missed.

Way to go, Kate.

2010-01-21T16:11:00.001-08:00

Great. Just what we need. Yet another product that hasn't been tested safe for use on lions.

A little surprise

2010-01-12T09:22:00.000-08:00

A good indication that you should marry someone is if they leave notes like these for you by your computer:

Have no cake, and don't eat cake too, and crap I want to eat a whole damn cake

2010-01-07T21:28:00.001-08:00

I don't think I have posted since the New Year, so Happy New Year! Like everyone else in the world, I am going to the gym more often and, I am actually doing what I guess they call "dieting." Not just talking about it either, but actually cutting back on delicious sugar and fat. It's been relatively easy. I realized that I am the sort of addict that has no will power. If there is a cookie before me, you better believe I will be ingesting it and successfully justify it. "Oh, I walked an extra block to the train this morning, so I can totally eat at least 20 cookies."So, out of site, out of mind...I tossed or gave away countless holiday confections and bought more fruit.

Aside from fitting into a wedding dress in 7 months, my motivation for going to the gym is that there are individual T.V.'s at the machines. I think I mentioned this before. But the last two times I went, I happened to turn it right to Miss Congeniality, at different times even. I thought it was interesting that I happened to turn the TV to a movie that is all about a girl being forced to transform herself...twice. I can sort of relate to her plight.

I ordered my wedding cake today, a wee bit early but that's how our baker rolls, since she apparently does very few wedding cakes/year. But oh my, did I ever want cake after that conversation! 12 hours later and I still want cake. It's basically all I can think about. I am like a meth addict (do yourself a favor and do not google image search meth addict, as I just did). I just have to remember that the wedding cake will be amazing and totally worth the wait.

Right?

Blarney, Malarchy, Gift of Gab.

2009-12-30T08:51:00.001-08:00

I think I was born on the blarney stone. Answers.com defines the "Gift of Gab" as: the ability to talk readily, glibly, and convincingly. This is an ability that I have, but never as strongly as when I am dealing with a crazy person.

At work we have all kinds customers who are supper sensitive, specific, and as I call it, "special needs." They want things done a particular way usually because they have been burned before, but occasionally because they are crazy. Trouble is, when you are rich, you get to be crazy, because their money is very attractive to us lowly impovrished types. My job is often convincing these people that we care about them and their needs, which is generally true, and that they don't need to worry. All they want is someone to hold their hand and sometimes wipe their emotional bottom.

I am exceedingly good at dealing with crazies. I surprise myself sometimes. I find a way to relate to them, and talk them through their neuroses with just the right about of sympathetic voice tones and elegant phrasing that is not condescending, per se, but plants the idea that I know what I am talking about, mama is here, now hush. The tragedy is that I hate talking to them, and since I am good at it, it's basically my whole job.

I have so many targeted one-liners that I could effectively use everyday, but I always delete them before they get sent in an email, and instead writing things like "I am sorry you were unsatisfied with our services, I apologize for the inconvenience...etc...etc...". I am not sorry. I think you are a lazy ass, but I know it's the only thing I can say to make you go away.

All my life I have been able to convince people of pretty much anything, for example, I kept my sister believing in Santa until she was almost 12. I worked in marketing for a bit, which happen to start because a particularly aweful woman hired me (because I was able to deal with her craziness), and later left a job working for some generally sane theatre folk because I couldn't stand the idea of "selling" anymore, even if it was for the arts. Yet here I am, peddling once more.

The only thing I can't seem to sell is myself, a very sad and common thing for an actor. So in 2010, my resolution is to use my "Gift of Gab" to get out of my rut. I'm still thinking puppets - give me foam heads and googly eyes over assholes any day.

And then this kid makes everything better:

Weather

2009-12-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's 19 degrees outside
Doo dah, doo dah,
and I effing hate my life
all the doo dah day.

Some Christmas Stories

2009-12-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I know it can be a stressful time of year for many, and for many reasons, but for me it is still a special time of year where all the memories of wonderful past Christmas's flood my mind and I can't help but feel emotionally cozy. Here is a run down of a few events that went down this Holiday Season:

I got a super awesome Christmas bonus early this year, and treated myself to a pen necklace much like hers:
The purchase was made in Williamsburg with my boy by my side. We have been pinching pennies for a long while now, trying to save for our wedding, and so I decided to surprise him and treat us both to an amazing meal at Fornino too. Hello, rock shrimp and pesto pizza, I'm Colleen. You are mine.

I went shopping at Century 21 with my dad, and we bonded over what to buy my mother and how crazy it was at the store. Later that evening we bought a $25 tree at a deli that advertised:

"SPECIAL CHEAP PRICE!"

The tree was both cheap and special. However, my dad thought it was less tacky than just taking the tree I already brought home since I am leaving town for Christmas, even though I suggested that he should. He thought there was something immoral about taking a Christmas tree from one of your children.

I do have a wonderful tree. The boy carried it home on the subway with his bare hands and proclaimed "Merry Christmas" to the passengers upon entering the car. I laughed. They mostly ignored us, but there were a few smiles.

We were watching CNN one day and a man came on wearing a sweater that I bought for the boy for xmas. I asked "do you like that sweater?" to the man who never has opinions about clothes, and he said "ugh, no, I hate it". Whoops. Later he tried it on for me just to be sure, and he was right, it did make him look like a ballerina. Amazing.

We opened presents a little early, and he got me this:

I am in love with it, my busy golden bee.

I bought his brother some of this, and ruined his life. Whoops. It was hilarious.

Trimming

2009-12-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

We had a tree trimming party last night. Some good friends, a glue gun, pipe cleaners and 4 bottles of Martinelli's Sparkling cider later and we got ourselves some holiday joy. The apartment smells amazing, and it was a really fun night.

Today I went through my fridge and saw what was left over from the party - mountains of cookies and cake all beckoning to me to come and devour them. I did cave and have some gingerbread for breakfast, and I felt like butt all day until I got real food in me.

I am challenging myself to go to the gym 4 times this week. Even if it's just for a 30min bike ride or something. Plus, I love my gym. There are personal TV's at every machine so I can watch Cake Boss while torching calories. Too bad I'm the real cake boss, otherwise I wouldn't need the gym at all.

Just when I was thinking about Pandas...

2009-12-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

From Natalie Dee

I'm totally gay for same-sex marriage.

2009-12-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

I could go on and on about why same sex couples should be granted the right to marry, but Senator Diane Savino says it better.

PostSecret

2009-12-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

From PostSecret. Normally the posts are full of very dark secrets, but I had to repost this, it made me laugh out loud.

Post Turkey Post

2009-12-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

A great Thanksgiving. It was the first holiday where families combined and ate of the same bird. We had 15 people in the modest 2 bedroom of my youth, and it seems that everyone had a great time. We all ate far too much food, played music, sang, drank, and it was wonderful.

After a few days of hosting future in laws and schlepping all over town, the boy and I bit the bullet and joined the gym, and tada, I actually lost .5 lbs over the Thanksgiving holiday. So I am giving thanks to magic and wonder this week, because that was too good to be true.

Speaking of magic and wonder, Christmas is 3 weeks from Friday and I wonder what kind of magic I will need to be able to afford it. I want to have a tree trimming party and celebrate full-out with lavish gifts for my loved ones, but I am pretty sure I will not be able to afford to eat if I do. I hate being impoverished. I have so many good gift ideas! I guess that's why I like Thanksgiving, there isn't the same pressure to buy. This may be a homemade/store-bought but in-a-pretty-tin cookie Christmas this year.

On a side note, I want to take puppeteer classes. Anyone? Christmas gift?

Why I ate a whole pizza tonight

2009-11-09T15:53:00.001-08:00

They say that if you are cast once out of every 100 auditions in NYC, then you are ahead of the game. I think this assumes that you are a "typical" NYC actor who, theoretically, goes on many auditions a week. I think my average is 1-3 auditions every 3-4 months. All told, my call back/casting ratio is pretty high. My experiences with many-a-gig have ranged from artistically lacking to downright abusive.

Here are some reason I tend to skip on most auditions:

1. I am non-union, therefore, I can't make an appointment for my auditions, as they are mostly open calls. That generally means a 6-8 hour days of waiting around to sing 8-16 bars of music.

2. I am not suited for many parts that are available in musical theatre, for I am more of a "mover" than a "dancer." I plan to hit my stride at the age of 40, in the meantime, I am waiting for that amazing role that requires a lot of singing and not much dancing.

3. I hate musical theater actors, and there are a lot of them at musical theatre auditions.

4. Like anyone, I get nervous and feel a like puking the morning before any audition. It generally subsides.

5. In theory, signing up for an audition slot is first come, first served. For a 10am audition for a popular company or show, you need to be there just to sign up by 7am if you want to be seen before 1pm. That is NUTS.

There are other reasons but the gist is that if I am going to show up, I have to at least stand a chance, and usually I am pretty interested in being there. I had an audition today for a certain show and I am literally perfect for one of the roles. This NEVER happens. I am the right age, type, height, and I can sing the shit out of it.

I came in at 8:30am, later than I had hoped, and I was #255. Yeesh. I stayed until 3:30pm and they FINALLY typed some people out. I got typed in. Yay! When I entered the room, I sang my first song. They liked it. Yay! They asked to hear me sing my other song - a good sign! So I started, and they stopped me. They wanted to hear something more legit (aka traditional soprano stuff).

Here lies the tragedy. I spent the majority of my young life singing in the "legit" style, and at the risk of sounding conceded, I am very good. But I had just filled my book with songs that were a little more rock and roll, so the only song I had that was even mildly appropriate was a song that is usually sung in a high key, but I had had it transposed into a lower, more jazzy key. I also hadn't used the song in months.

No call back.

So because I am trying to expand my book, I got rejected. And as prepared as I thought I was, I still wasn't really prepared. The circumstances should have been perfect, and yet here I am, watching videos on hulu and feeling robbed.

I soothed myself with a homemade artichoke pizza. Slice after slice, I pondered why we decide to put ourselves through the constant rejection and self-doubt. I don't really know the answer today, but the pizza is delicious. It also doesn't exist anymore, because I ate the whole damn thing/my feelings. No wonder actors are so annoying, they must all have indigestion.

Write Your Own Sea Shanty

2009-10-29T09:28:00.001-07:00

I accidentally discovered, for myself, the work of Stan Rogers earlier this year. I just think he's awesome. Having been brought up on a heavy diet of folk music, he appeals to me on a very basic level, and kind of reminds me of my dad if he were Canadian and a bass.

"...I wanted a shanty that I could sing the lead in, you know, instead of just hanging back and singing harmony in the chorus. I wanted to lead one, you know? So I had to write one."

So true, Stan. I have a little theatre company and I think we try to do just that - write and assign parts that allow us to step up out of the chorus and be seen. At least by our friends and family, who have to love us and tell us we're good, but that's fine for now.

Sometimes it gets disheartening, always producing yourself. But, I was told by a Canadian friend of mine that Barrett's Privateers is sung in every pub in Nova Scotia. Even if they don't know who Stan Rogers is, they know the song. I guess there is something to be said for not allowing yourself to sit back and wait for someone to write something for you.

And now, a series of Salty Dogs for your pleasure and inspiration:

For Halloween...

2009-10-28T08:03:00.001-07:00

Decisions, decisions...

Speaking of plumbers and cooking at home, we don't have water in our apartment. Again. Since yesterday.

What's worse than no hot water?

2009-10-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

No water.

Worse than that even is listening to your neighbor scream and bang on a door somewhere upstairs from you at 7am because she has had enough of weekly leaks in her apartment. I couldn't be mad at her for being angry about someone's nasty shower water flooding her apartment, but my body was pretty angry that it had to be awake before my alarm went off. Having the water turned off to fix the leak didn't help.

Really, the charms of my apartment never cease - between fighting rodents and bugs to clashing with crazy old ladies downstairs who get made when we walk accross the floor and threaten violence when we have guests over, the party never seems to end. But for $1150 a month for 800 sq feet and a 30 minute commute to work, not to mention a 3 minute walk to prospect park, I can deal for a while longer.

And when you are too tired to cry about it, you've won, right?

It's cold out.

2009-10-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

Why would it be that only in cold weather the hot water gets turned off? Does that make sense? I look like butt today.

Eat breakfast before you leave the house or this may happen to you...

2009-10-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Wichcraft,

You are ruining my life. I am trying to eat less sweets and become a healthier person, but you keep supplying me with delights that make me weak and fat.

This morning I had to run out of the house unprepared for the many meals I would require for the day. So, I stepped into your doors looking for a healthy start to my day. I knew you would have my favorite, banana bread, and that I was going to need a lot of strength to resist it - but we've danced this little dance before, haven't we? Remember when I decided to finally give up your cursed banana bread, and you added cranberries to the batter, making me helpless to refuse? Hmmm??

Well, this time I was ready for you - or so I thought. I went in ready to spurn your breads and opt for an over priced and unripened fruit salad with mint tea, when I saw the cutest looking little loaf of wonder - a wee pumpkin bread, with real pumpkin seeds baked on top! And for a mere $2.50 for pure happiness, I thought "what's the harm? Take that little guy home."

"Trust me , I'll never hurt you..."

About 450-650 calories later, I am still hungry, and I hate you. Now I have to eat a damned salad for lunch and it's all because you render me senseless with your wiles. Or, I will pass your door on my way to get a salad, and instead get one of your fatty sandwiches with homemade cookies on the side. Either way, I lose as I always do.

With regret,
Colleen

Purple you shall be mine

2009-10-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

I gave up on American Apparel a long time ago. I just don't look good in their made-for-flat-chested-skinny-girls-that-I-will-never-be- 5 or 6 t-shirts/ugly dresses.

Knowing this, I never really gave Uniqlo a chance. I stepped in a few times, and saw the walls stacked with multiple colors of the same t-shirt and sweater, and got depressed and left - thinking this was just a Japanese version of American Apparel.

We recently had some very good friends stay with us from San Francisco, and one of the items on their agenda was to stop by Uniqlo. I decided I could stand it for a little bit, so I went ahead and lead them there. That's where I found my little purple pea coat that I love.

I am essentially cut off from popular culture due to my lack of television and limited website preferences - but is purple a thing this season? Because it might be some outside influence but I can not get enough of purple right now.

Mad

2009-10-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

I just can't get enough of Mad Men. I want to live in that show - sexism, cigarettes and all.

Heart

2009-10-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

OK Glee fans, I know you all peed yourselves over Christine Chenoweth karaoking to "Alone," and while I appreciate the shout-out to the song, I must call attention to the band, and particularly the singer, who made the song famous.

The band is the legendary Heart, and the singer is one of the greatest rock voices of all time, Ann Wilson (preceded only by Mr Mercury).

If you like Heart, go listen to the albums Dream Boat Annie or Little Queen. You'll be glad you did.

October

2009-10-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

I forget how much I love New York in the fall. When I get depressed by the oppressive heat of August, I think about how wonderful it will be come October to go apple picking and eat a fresh-from-the-fryer Apple Cider Donut with my hot mulled cider. To pick a pumpkin, and then not buy it because I don't want it to rot in my apartment before Halloween. Is anything sadder than throwing away a big ol' pumpkin?

But that is all country; the city has it's perks too. Everyone gets out their black jackets and cute scarves and runs around the city a little quicker because if the crisp chilliness in the air. There are blessedly fewer people on the street. There are pumpkin spiced lattes for some, and hot spiced cider for other. There's all that wonderful halloween candy.

I realized today that at the beginning of every fall, I listen to a lot of Simon and Garfunkel. And specifically I listen to the song below. The video is a little heavy on the cheese, but damn, the song is still perfect.

Happy Birthday Abbey!

2009-09-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Karen Alloy

2009-09-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

You know how you pass on youtube videos that other people posted, and then claim them as your own like you invented them? Well, this one I found all on my own bitches.

Her name is Karen Alloy, and I have only made it through a few videos so far, but she is my HERO.

An example:

Can I just have you please?

2009-09-24T08:22:00.001-07:00

Wool tights, Fall, fancy green shoes, this ring.

Busy Again

2009-09-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, just when I was getting bored, life comes along and kicks me in the pants.

Work has been borderline insane, for my job anyway. A mix of a handful of cranky clients, plus someone quitting, plus tons of little projects all adds up to not enough hours in the day, and yet everything must get done, so there's really no time to complain (or blog, really, ehem).

I have also committed myself to producing 3(3!)shows with tight deadlines and multiple people involved. I have friends coming into town and a wedding to attend in about 2 weeks, which is awesome, but it also means I must find some time to clean my apartment and do laundry.

And finally there is my wedding, which is at a complete standstill until we hear from one of our vendors-to-be who is taking their sweet-ass time to respond to our emails. Aren't we in a recession? Don't people want to make money?

My head is still above water, but I am getting a little anxious about everything.

In honor of getting down to business:

Instant Appeal

2009-09-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

And yet more 80's love.

Now, that's appealing! I bet he's not afraid to get sand in his tuxedo...

For all the Single Ladies

2009-09-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there are no words. Just watch.

An Email on Tribeca Moms

2009-09-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this today whilst caught in a wind of befuddlement. I thought it was worth sharing. Please note that my own mother is not a part of this group, but the new Tribeca mom is one of the most fearsome beasts to invade our fair city. Terrifying and toxic, and awful. On to the email:

"Babe. I am in a coffee shop with children screaming all around me (there are two, but it took mom an hour to ask them nicely to "try and stop yelling" and it feels like they are everywhere).

They are dodging under tables, and running all around like it's their playground. The mothers, there are 5 and a fancy husband, all look like something out of sex and the city or real housewives of orange county and...

THERE IS NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH I AM RAISING CHILDREN HERE.

It's insane. Tribeca is very pretty, but it's entirely too bizarre. And holy shit, I just found out one of these neglectful mothers is head of the parent-teacher association. Enough said.

I just had to mention this in the moment. Obviously family planning is a long way off, but I had to mention it. AND, now, a metal table just fell on one of the kids. Amazing. These people are absolutely retarded.

Love,Colleen"

And he replies:

"But we've got to fight it from the inside. Our kids could rule over these other kids with an iron fist. Because they will learn discipline from us and we'll send them to martial arts classes. Plus, we'd be the hip artist folks that all these yuppies wish they could be, and they'd all suck up to us, because their kids are friends with our kids (or slaves to our children), and for Christmas and stuff we'd get crazy expensive swag."

I do love swag.

DAMN YOU TRIBECA MOMS!!!!

Dalai Lama Shama Lama Ding Dong

2009-09-10T19:25:00.001-07:00

I don't think I am a bad person, but it would be interesting to be a good person for a day or so. Of all the supposed "sins," I suppose I suffer most from envy. I hear of the success of others, and while I can be very happy for them, there is always that little (or not so little) part of me that wants to be in that club, and specifically be the club president.

My main squeeze is doing some required reading on the Dalai Lama (who has a website, p.s.! Amazing. I love these days of ours) and he came out to hug me because the Dalai Lama says we should give the ones we love affection. I thought to myself, what would it be like to be the Lama for a day? To have peace in your heart, and to basically do what most people consider to be the right thing, all the time? Would I be happy as a monk?

If I were a monk, would I be happy knowing the Dalai Lama was a better monk?

And he can't be happy and content all the time, right? Honestly I really don't know enough about him to say much, but I do know he looks pretty badass in this photo:

Maybe the problem is that I become so focused on being happy that I forgo success, and then it passes me by. I do have a history of dropping things that make me unhappy, I have very little tolerance for things outside of my comfort bubble. And yet, I do my best work when I pop the bubble.

I guess if not being the Dalai Lama is the worst of my problems, I am not alone. I have not blogged in a while so I needed to write something. The next one will be funnier, and hopefully more focused.

So I can be the successful blogger my mamma always dreamed I would be.

Getting Physical

2009-08-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a trip to good ol' Vermont, and I can still smell the maple.

Is it weird that when I stepped in to a large, suburban Shaw's grocery store, THAT is when I felt like I was truly home? I think I was channeling my inner Danielle Steel reading Soccer Mom. I can't lie, there is something alluring about a carefully planned living community with ticky tacky houses and people who make Jell-O molds as welcoming gifts.

Just before I left for Vermont, I began jogging. But, I have one of these:

So, ouch. It's basically a swollen nerve in the ball of my foot, and it feels a little bit like a small foot elf is in there starting fires and breaking bones. It does not feel better with exercise. I can not let that stop me however, for my coach potato days are officially over. So, I did a small hike up what felt like a small mountain on Saturday (it was actually a country road, but DAMN), and this A.M. was a surprisingly challenging yoga DVD. I feel great. It's totally put me in a good mood during my whole shitastic day.

Dear Neuroma:

Suck it. I'm moving on.

xoxo
Colleen

The Best Policy

2009-08-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of attempting to make my own wedding invitations, and one of the ideas I had was creating block prints. I have never done this before, so I did a little research online and actually found a helpful Urban Outfitters video, of all things:

I didn't want to spend $30 on a kit, so I bought some of the supplies at Pearl Paint on Canal Street. I have been going there for literally decades (yikes) and it's always held a special place in my heart, but (and I could be wrong...) they don't seem to be doing very well, at least at that location. The supplies seem to be dwindling and I am always nervous for old downtown businesses. They have a standing policy that students and teachers get 10% off, and I have been lying and taking advantage of that policy for years, but I decided this time I was going to give the store I loved the full 100% of the cost of these goods.

When I went to check out, the cashier (an artist) asked me if I was a teacher or a student. I smiled, because he and I both knew that people lie about this all the time, and I said "No, I am not." "OK," he said, "I can give you 30% off then."

I just love that store. Guess it pays to be honest sometimes!

A Little Inspiration

2009-08-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this today and it blew me away a little bit, so I thought I would share with whoever happens to be reading this blog. Makes me want to do more art...

Very cool, Kseniya Simonova!

That's when you know it's time.

2009-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

I needs me a vacation, STAT. I am starting to get to that point where when someone walks too close behind me on a crowded block, I have very, very vivid images of tae boing them right through the knee caps. Or, when someone cuts me off as I am walking, I intentionally trip them by taking an extra long step as they walk in front of me, or I just step on their heels.

Actually, I pretty much always do that.

I don't mind so much if you cut me off and you can keep up the pace, but don't you dare walk slower than me, bastard. What the hell was the point of cutting me off in the first place then? I don't want to hold anyone up because I hate it when I have to walk behind some slow poke who is idiotically meandering side to side so you can't get passed them, but I really hate it when said slow poke made a point to get in front of me just to make the point. Because clearly, it's personal. Well, I have played that game of leap frog many-a-time, sir or madam, and I always win.

So, like I say, vacation is needed. 5 more days.

I hate being poor...

2009-08-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

...for many reasons. Today, this is why:I want a Gocco printer SOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAAAD. My birthday is coming up...anyone want to get me one? It's only, like, $500....I will print you a custom thank you card in return! All you have to do is fly to Japan to get one.

Be your best friend?

Old McColleen

2009-08-04T13:30:00.001-07:00

This past Sunday I was sitting at my computer playing my newest embarrassment "Farm Town" via Facebook. I signed up for "Farm Town" because I thought it was "Farm Ville," and my fiance told me I would like it. It was the wrong game, but I was hooked. Treating "Farm Town" like my gateway drug, I then proceeded to sign up for the actual "Farm Ville." I played these stupid game for hours for fear that my crops would dry up or my chickens would get lonely without me. (Actually, I played them because they are highly addictive and I wanted to build up my fake farms to look better than other people's fake farms. FAIL - on so many levels). I worked on my neighbors farms, and harvested wheat and rice, and put up a fence for my livestock - who don't do anything but oink at me occasionally.

While this was going on, seemingly endlessly, my fiance was playing what I learned was old school "Harvest Moon" on the Wii. Harvest Moon, for the layman, is a monotonous game about, you guessed it, farming.

So there we were, on a lovely Sunday, sitting in the darkness of our modest NYC apartment at our separate crack boxes, smoking hot pipes of virtual agriculture. I fear there is something very wrong with this.

I would elaborate further, but one of my neighbor's farms has juuuust been hit by a tornado, and I need to grab my rake to help clean up the mess.

And make 15 coins and gain experience points.

So I can sell back the useless pine trees people keep sending me.

Japanajunk

2009-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

I love me some Japanese junk food, and today whilst at Sunrise Mart in Soho, I discovered a whole new flavor sensation:

That's right folks. Seaweed and salt potato chips. Wow. Speckled with little pieces of seaweed, these chips are officially the best thing I have put in my mouth all week. The secret is that while I am a major consumer of potato related products, I don't actually like potato chips very much, and I know I am more or less alone. But, these are like sushi chips! Delight and wonder. And fat. Heavenly umami fat.

I guess I could call this post : "Why My Life is Awesome, Why Don't You Read About It?"

2009-07-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Despite a small hiccup of illness today, the last few days have been pretty special and a good reminder of the magic that is summer.

Last week there were dinners made with some of my besters and movie watching. Saw "I Am Legend" for the first time, and it was pretty good...after a bottle of wine. I thought it was funny that the zombies couldn't make it in the cold of Vermont. Suckahs.

Saturday started with an early morning on the Isle of Coney, with two good friends, walking on the beach and picking up broken glass where I found it so it wouldn't get stepped on. Total trash, but I love it. Next was a quick pick-me-up of Guacamole and Mimosas with another good friend from college, followed by a music festival in Astoria with some new friends. And there was a hula hoop! Yes! Then on to Thai food and further merriment.

Sunday was sleeping in, and then a 4 hour long brunch with my long island cityers. Then just being lazy. I LOVE being lazy. I wish lazy was my job as I have perfected the art of it.

It's just been really great catching up with all the people I don't get to see very often. There are days when I just love this City, and I am trying to use NYC more for what it's good at - brunch, drinks, and free/cheap activities. Speaking of, this is what I am up to tonight. Don't get better than a bear in his natural habitat.

Cooking

2009-07-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

I have been experimenting with vegan recipes, and last night's dish was tempeh with spinach and mushrooms over broccoli polenta. I know, fancy.

Aside from cooking I have been streamlining my social networking venues, and decided to delete my myspace account. As I was looking through my profile for pictures I wanted to save, I found a youtube clip of a show that I had posted. The show is called Posh Nosh and I found it accidentally while watching PBS one night.

In honor of my current cooking trend I give you Episode 1 of Posh Nosh. It's pretty fantastic.

7 Days Since Last We Spoke

2009-07-22T11:07:00.001-07:00

It's been a whole week since my last post! I guess I am calming down a bit. Let's see...what has happened...

I had the closing night of my show, and no, I am not giving up acting as a result (yet) so that's a relief. I saw Harry Potter, which was OK. I have read the books so I liked the movie for the most part, but if I had wandered into that dark theatre without having read them I would have been confused. I got to spend a day with some old friends drinking, eating, and generally being merry for a birthday party, which was good until I woke the next morning.

Perhaps my favorite event was hanging out with my sister yesterday. She is a rock star, and probably the coolest person I know. So cool, in fact, that she refuses to read my blog. This also makes her a bitch, but it's a trade off. She is super smart, beautiful, talented and funny. And she bakes the best cookies ever.

Sister mine, if you are reading this, this goes out to you. May your week be full of candy, booze and found kittens - the things you love most. MUAH!

Domestic

2009-07-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have been quite the Susie Homemaker this week. Sunday I made that Banana Bread so the boy and I would have breakfast for the week. Monday night I made a delightful feast of cornmeal crusted tofu, blackbeans with chipotle adobo Sauce and a green salad with homemade tequila lime vinaigrette. Last night I made BBQ Collard Green Rolls stuffed with mushrooms and blackeye peas, and made my first ever batch of yukon mashed potatoes. Which was amazing. All vegan too (pats self on the back).

I have not had shows or rehearsals the last few nights so I have been focusing on cooking and it's been really fun. When I am home for too long though, I start to see all the things in my apartment that I need to change/spend money on, which is bad, as I am moneyless. I also broke the last of my nice juice glasses in the blackbean storm of 2009, so currently I am obsessing over these (from Fishes Eddy):

Yay! But for real, why is it that my design aesthetic has not progressed beyond the age of 5? I look at catalogs from Ikea, Pottery Barn, etc., and I like all the clean lines and fancy looking stuff, but at the end of the day if I were to chose a new chair for my blindingly yellow living room with the giant blue tree painted on the wall it would be this one, because obviously giant parrots are the way to go. There is no subtlety. No class. And while I realize that these things are all very cool while I am young and cute, will I still want these glasses when I make Christmas dinner for my grand kids? Probably, yes. But will that make me a cooky old lady? Well, yes again, but will it be charming or just sad? Will it still be irreverent or just tacky?

I am getting married next year which is pretty awesome. A bonus is that I now I have some hope of acquiring things like a mixer or a microplane grater, but the idea of setting up my registry gives me some anxiety. While I am committed to my partner, how the hell am I supposed to commit to an expensive china pattern that I will like for decades to come? Hmm? HMMM??!!!

Click here for the ultimate in semi-uselessness that I intend on asking for. I don't know how I have lived without a pancake-ball-maker-pan for this long, but my agony will soon be over.

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

2009-07-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday and it's already been a really, really difficult week. Just as I was about to post some angst all up on this blog (in the form of sad rhyming couplets - my medium of choice and the art form I mastered at the age of 12), I remembered that 1. No one wants to read your sad, depressing blog and 2. Making my problems even remotely googleable might not be the best idea, and 3. OH, I hate poetry.

So instead I turn to YouTube clips of old Saturday Morning Cartoons for comfort, and low and behold, I come across THE REASON I started keeping a journal as a kid. Just amazing. Plus, she was pretty much who I wanted/am still trying to be. Enjoy.

Guys, writing down your feelings sets you free. Listen to Jem.

Hey, got plans for July 15th?

2009-07-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

I believe this says it all:

Choices

2009-07-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

I am just 3 overripe bananas away from making this:

Q: So I got a fruit stand across the street from my apartment, what could be stopping me?

A: Putting on pants.

The hardest part of my day, for which I guess I should be thankful, is deciding whether today will be a shower day. I'd say 49 times out of 50 it's a shower day, for which you can all be thankful, but it sucks because my lovely but temperamental curls require daily attention in the form of conditioner and product. I can't really wake up and go, so everyday I try to fight it, and usually the fight ends in a big fail and at least 45 minutes of suck-it-up, shower, and style.

So today I am stuck because I could just throw a hat or scarf on my head and be on my merry way, but then when I go to my first Beginner's Tap Dancing Class tonight (joy!) I'll have to keep it on. Then there is the whole pants issue. However, if I had one of these, I would never have problems ever again. It even comes with a book light! C'MON!

Anatomy Lesson

2009-07-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

Someone out there loves you.

Just be nice to them.

These are very fragile.
And veiny.

Don't let your daughters grow up to be actresses...

2009-07-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

I majored in theatre in school. I loved my department and I learned a lot. But I now agree with what a wise man once told me: you don't need a degree to be an actor. Meanwhile he told me after I graduated, so thanks a-f*cking lot.

The advice I would give to 18 year old Colleen would be to do theatre, but get a degree in business. 18 year old Colleen would probably laugh in my face and tell me I was a sell out, but 26 (almost 27) year old Colleen would be like "Yo, you don't have any skills, but you already know how to be dramatic. Just get some skills - you can use them for lots of things besides working on Wall Street."

Perhaps arts professionals should all take a course or two in how to run a business. We have a fleet of young (and not-so-young) actors/directors/producers in NYC who want to be in the industry but don't understand that if a play fails in the woods it does make a sound, and the sound is "this sucks, I am not seeing one of their plays again."

While I am waiting for my Broadway star to rise, it would be awesome to fall back on my own business. I have lots of ideas, and it would be really helpful if in college I had learned to put those ideas down in the form of a business plan and squeeze some money out of them. Squeeze them and make some delicious Moneyade.

Let's Get Physical

2009-07-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of burgers and then a Monday of PETA videos, I am back on the vegan bandwagon. I made these weird but delicious "bean balls" from the Veganomicon, and turned down an invitation for some ice cream today, so I consider that success.

I have been thinking about going running in the mornings. I live right next to prospect park and it's silly that I don't utilize it more, but I am more of a speed walker than a runner.

This is why:

When I was little I was tall compared to the other kids, skinny, and fast. I also was allergic to everything possible - peanuts, mold, dust, pollen, and all animals everywhere. Add to that asthma induced by all of the above and exercise, and I was more or less useless.

But I did love to run in spite of the fact that it could potentially kill me. Just stick me on that nebulizer for 20 minutes and I was good to go!

One day, little Colleen raced some classmates and she was winning. When she saw that she was in the lead, she pridefully looked back at all the suckers behind her, "what a bunch of losers" she thought. Then she turned around and cracked her forehead open on a post.

Mom was called for and they rushed to the hospital where Colleen received 10 stitches in the middle of her forehead. It must have been a gruesome sight because her poor mom, who was holding her hand during the procedure, felt this weight on her back and realized that an intern had passed out on top of her. She dealt with that as Colleen progressively got high off of whatever drugs they gave her, and her resistance to the stitches turned into giggles and hoots for more.

So I don't run because either I hurt myself or I can't breath when I do, but I have not actually tried running in years, so I think it's worth a shot. I am aiming for this weekend because let's just say that life has been busy.

But I know that I was meant to get back in the ring and be the running superstar as was foretold in the stars. How do I know, you ask? First, don't question me. Second, what hit song was top of the charts on the day I was born? This song:

That's how I know.

Life's a Beach, and Then you Die

2009-07-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

A while back, along with the good folks at Wunderkind Consortium, I co-wrote a musical based on the movie Beaches that was called: Wind Beneath My Wings: The Adventures of C.C. and Hill. Now Beaches has always held a very special, corny place in my heart, and I knew that there was great material there for a spoofy musical. So, we wrote it. We performed it. We almost got sued.

After toying with various websites and iTunes tonight, I finally figured out how to share this file of a song from our show. The name of the song is "Window Pain." Hillary has just learned that she has "whole-body cancer" and she and CC (that was me!) go to Hillary's beach house so that CC can take care of her. Hillary is looking out of a window at CC and Victoria as they do a dance on the beach, a dance she will never join, because she is dying. She does end up dancing in the underworld, but that was a different song.

Anyhoo, Erin Goodwin as Hillary starts out, I come in later as CC. Michael James Roy on Piano, and away we go...

Some things I would like today

2009-07-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

A necklace from Yayoi Forest

An elephant ride in Thailand

These poppies tattooed on me somewhere

Health insurance.

Happy Canada Day, Canadians. I hope you know how good you have it.

Cough.

Listen Lady...

2009-06-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Madam,

I don't know exactly who you are, I don't know exactly where you are, but I know that you are the one who keeps plugging up the works in our office bathroom. Yes, everyone does poop, and when you gotta go, you gotta go, but honestly. HONESTLY. Your extreme brand of excrement is on a whole new level of offensive.

Every time for the last month I have entered the powder room, for what should be just a routine pee, you and your "business" have ruined everything with either 1. stank, or, 2. completely destroying the plumbing, and enough is enough.

Please figure out what in your diet is making you such a nuisance to others and stop ingesting it. You can also visit any number of fine Starbucks' in the area to "lighten your load," or "unload," or what have you.

But please skip that double shot of espresso for neither you nor I can take it.

Respectfully,
Colleen.

Where IS the beef?

2009-06-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Oh, Monday.

The weekend was a little rough. I lost my temper a few times. I got cat up my nose and nearly died. My man flew on a jet plane to be in Vermont for a whole week. There was booze, bugs and hangovers. There were people being loud and an abundance of chicken bones in my hallway. There was a strange sewage smell wafting in off the street.

There was meat and dairy.

I caved in on being vegan multiple times this weekend because it was just easier, and I think part of the reason I feel shitty this Monday I can owe to my overindulgence. The plus is I know that all the work makes a difference in my body. But I really miss cake. And my conditioner that smells like cake is just not cutting it. Today.

So, I ate a box of these. YAY VEGAN!

Sugar Cubes and Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid my mom bought a box of brown sugar cubes with a parrot on the label. I wanted to to eat one out of the box, and she wouldn't let me. While a good call on my mom's part, I thought it was horribly unfair.

I went on to have a dream that night combining a few interesting elements. I dreamt I was on a "cruise ship" that looked like what would happen if you sliced the Staten Island Ferry in half, and it could float. It was pretty awesome.

All of us cruisers were enjoying our luxury ride, and then a giant shark swam up and ate half of the already halved ship, along with a few of the passengers. People were pretty upset. There was a lot of screaming and running around, and crying, and then the shark kicked it up a notch and jumped aboard on his tail. Then he hopped around and ate the remaining passengers. It was pretty chaotic, and a switch must have been turned on in my 8 year old brain, because just as it was about to eat me, the shark turned into something else entirely.

The creature was not unlike Glinda in The Wizard of Oz. I needed help getting home and he gave me Magic Brown Sugar Cubes. With these cubes, I could make wishes for things that would help me on my adventures in this land - the adventures which would lead me home. Rather smartly, I asked him if I could just wish to go home (even my own dreams couldn't fool me) to which he replied "Shut up!" and, poof, the Richard Simmons Shark vanished.

From then on, I had many adventures, none of which I can really remember from the dream. In the end, I was in the middle of a small river with stepping stones, and I was huddled up and crying on the largest of the stones. Who should swim up to console me but the Richard Simmons shark who ate all those people before.

RSS: Why are you so sad, Colleen?

C: Well, I just want to get home to my mom and dad, and I can't find the way!

RSS: But don't you see that you had the power all along? All you had to do was wish on a magic sugar cube to go home!

C: But I asked you, and you said I couldn't do that!

RSS: SHUT UP!

And then I woke up.

The reason I am relaying this is that I always think of that dream when I see Michael Jackson's video for "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough." I always thought the background in the video was a series of sugar cubes, and I didn't get it. But I liked it. I think most of us didn't get the man, but I was a big fan of the artist. This is how I will always remember you:

Johnny Bonham Burton

2009-06-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

I have had a long respect for all three of these creative, talented people. Tim Burton's aesthetic has always intrigued me. Helena Bonham Carter is stunning and in my opinion, a pretty good actress. Johnny Depp, well, little can be said that hasn't already been said by millions of women, men and teenagers who would all marry and procreate with him, given the chance.

Does anyone else think that these three need take a break, seperately, and make new friends though? I'm just starting to get a little bored. Off the top of my head, they have made these movies:

Sweeney Todd, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sleepy Hollow and Corpse Bride. Then there was Helena in Big Fish, and Johnny in Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood. Everything and everyone was very pretty in these movies, but come on. Expand your vision for Alice in Wonderland, just a little.

Wait - no! Don't expand it to include this! NOT AT ALL what I meant. Jeez.

I have a problem. There are certain actors and actresses that I feel a relatively irrational hatred towards, usually when I think they are overrated. Such is the case with Anne. She just makes me crazy. And yes, I have met her. She wasn't mean, but she was pretty annoying. And really, who knows. She might be great once you get to know her, but I am not buying the hooplah. And her as the White Queen was not the way to win me back into your creepy, nouveau-gothic loving arms, Mr. Tim Burton.

Meanwhile, I am trying hard to become less of a hater. So, with that in mind, I give you a White Queen I can get behind. Where's my bread 'n' buttah?

Matt & Kim

2009-06-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

Can't help it, I just think they are adorable.

http://www.mattandkimmusic.com/

The butcher, the baker...

2009-06-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

There must be a way, sweet lord Jesus, to make money without having to interact with customers. I have been having a particularly rough few weeks with our clients at work. For every 9 awesome people, there is one complete asshole that I can't shake. That I want to shake. Shake and yell "what the hell is wrong with you? I wish you were never born! Stop crying!"

I was commiserating with another working stiff and he suggested that all U.S. Citizens be made to work in customer service for at least a year, like Israel but with shopping. I think he's got the right idea. Once you have been behind enemy lines as a cashier or phone representative, it stays with you. The problem with the obsurdly wealthy, among other things, is they get to skip this step and go straight to consumerism. I get consumerism. I LOVE consuming. But I am not about to treat the person on the phone or behind the counter like my servant or my therapist.

Since fame and fortune are taking their sweet f*cking time to acknowledge me, I need to develop some sort of skill. I have no real skills. I am good at the kind of work most actors are good at - like behaving in a pleasant manner and pretending that I care, but all roads lead to customers.

I want to make candlesticks or something, and be so damn good at making candle sticks that someone else will step up and sell them. I can be the Candlestick Master, a recluse that works undisturbed in Candle Stick Manor - and no one disturbs me or the art of my sticks is compromised, and I certainly can't be bothered to sell them myself.

Those beeswax obelisks are worth a lot of money too. A LOT of money. Good thing too, because no one wants to hang out with the Candlestick Master, the way she is always so blunt with what she really thinks and all.

I don't know where that all came from exactly, but the point is I need to figure out how to get the hell out of customer service, or find someway to impart to 10% of my clients that I am awesome, and if they could just roll with that, we would all be happier.

Jolene is the Wind Beneath My Wings...

2009-06-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

There are two women who inspire me and their names are Dolly Parton and Bette Midler. They are everthing I want to be as a performer and a human being. They are both just pure joy and talent. Then on Facebook another Colleen I know posted this video, and I basically peed (emotionally).

Here they are in all their glory, and I DARE YOU not to love them.

Ikea Island Magic

2009-06-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

I work, like most poor suckers, Monday - Friday from 9-5. So when the weekend comes, I am all kinds of ready to have adventures. Sadly, when I don't have actual plans for my weekend, I get this strange anxiety that I believe stems from thinking I am going to "waste" this free time, so I need to hurry and have as much fun as possible.

My friend just got a new apartment, and when she asked if I wanted to accompany her to the Brooklyn Ikea, or, what I call "Ikea Island," I didn't hesitate. (The little fellow above is named Sagosten, and he is one of the many magical creatures that live on the Island).

Your journey starts with a short but luxurious yacht ride (or water taxi) on the beautiful east river. Watch your step - it's slippery! Once seated, you will be entertained by classic Jimmy Buffet hits and the Pina Colada song as you ride, reminding you that yes, this is a tropical vacation. Don't forget to look out the window as you pass NYC landmarks such as this, this and this lady!

When you depart the vessel (don't forget to tip the crew) you will be welcomed on to Ikea Island by the natives - a giant Swedish meat ball and a jar of lingonberry jam. Do not eat the natives. This offends them and your bowels. Walk through the Island Grasses of Frugal Hope, and through the Mysterious Onyx Cave of Automotive Excellence, and you will reach the capital of Ikea Island, simply called Ikea.

Inside Ikea is a labyrinth of savings and new ideas for your home or office. You can buy throw pillows for less than $3, hanging planters for $9.99, and of course, hot dogs for $0.50. Happiness is always free though, and if you are like me, you will feel an abundance of it as you peruse the model kitchens and living rooms (as if you will ever design your own kitchen or afford a nice living room).

Ikea is not as inexpensive as it claims to be and the furniture does fall apart as quickly as people say, but it is a magical land that has this oddly calming effect on my weekend anxiety. You board the ship home after your adventure, tired but enlightened by all the sleek Swedish design ideas. When I arrived at the pier and saw the awaiting hopefuls in line to board the next boat bound for Ikea Island, I looked at them with envy and understanding. If only I could go back and start my vacation all over again! But I know I will return, and soon. Meanwhile I will gaze at my $9.99 Skanka Frying Pan, and remember...

Hold the Door and Smores

2009-06-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

I work in Tribeca, where my parents live, and it's great because I can go to their house for lunch and to watch CNN or NY1 (I don't have cable and I don't really read the newspaper anymore, so unless I get random headline updates from friends on facebook, I generally don't know what is going on in the world, which I hate).

I have been a Vegan for two weeks now (give or take occasional egg slip-ups) and the easiest place to find feed is Wholefoods. Which is where I discovered these:

Vegan Smores. Wonderful, just wonderful. From Sweet and Sara, they are pretty much my favorite thing right now. It takes all my strength not to get one every day.

So I will grab lunch and the occasional smore, and head to the apartment to better myself via cable television. Tribeca has changed a lot since I grew up there, and it's hard not to resent all the new residents sometimes, but they are the people who pay me essentially, so I try to be nice. And most of them are OK, really.

BUT there is a breed of tenant in our building that I truly hate. The non-elavator door holding tenants. We have Four elevators, and usually only two work at any given time, and it can take for-f*cking-ever for the next one to come when you just miss one. Every single day this week, I have walked in, made eye contact with whoever was in the elevator, yelled "Can you hold please?" and they look at the damn floor as they crush my dreams of getting into that elevator and upstairs to my beloved Roma Torre.

WHY???!! I always hold the door because I know: 1. How annoying that is when someone does not, 2. That it takes all of 30 seconds out of my day to help someone and 3. That some how the universe will pay me back. So, what gives, universe? Why are you being a silly bitch?

And then, someone held the door for me yesterday. And I told them this whole story. And I think they were sad that they held that door open.

A Recipe for Balls.

2009-06-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

These are delightful! I tried these once at Kaffe, and became addicted. They are a great gift for my dad who has a particular love of oatmeal, dark chocolate and coconut. He will be getting a tupperware full of balls for father's day. Just what every father wants from his little girl...

SWEDISH CHOCOLATE BALLS

INGREDIENTS:

4 cups regular rolled oats
1 1/4 cups white sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup butter or margarine, softened (unsalted, unless you want salty balls).
2 tablespoons strong brewed coffee
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 (1 ounce) squares unsweetened baking chocolate, melted
1/3 cup coconut flakes(I like to toast the coconut first)

DIRECTIONS

Mix the oats, sugar, and cocoa together in a bowl. Add the butter, and use your hands to mix the ingredients together to make a thick dough. Mix in the coffee, vanilla, and chocolate until thoroughly blended.
Place the coconut flakes in a small bowl. Pinch off small amounts of dough and roll between your hands to make small balls, about 1 inches in diameter. Roll the balls in the coconut flakes. Balls are ready to eat, or may be refrigerated 2 hours to become firmer.

Another Project

2009-06-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

Those who know me know that I am a girl of many projects, but I am not very good at finishing them. I have really, really awesome ideas, and then I get discouraged easily when no one hops on board the brilliance train, or I get bored, or distracted by a new, shinier idea.

I am devoting this blog to nothing in particular. That way, when I get distracted, I don't have to feel bad about not accomplishing a goal.

Last night I had an interview for a job in South Korea. What is in South Korea, you ask? A lot of Kimchi, that's what. And this. I am sort of on the fence about the whole thing. Surprisingly, the prospect of living in a theme park DOES NOT sound unappealing to me, but for a whole year? That's a lot of Korea. It could be really awesome though. Should know by late August, so we'll see...